And this is why I stopped practicing family law. It was never a major practice area but it was very emotionally tough on me and SO MANY PEOPLE were wrong about how amicable they were- at the beginning, people think they will collaborate and mediation will be easy and then everyone is so full of pain and venom and it’s awful.
I am sorry you are going through all this, it’s horrible to try to parent with someone who fully disrespects you and acts like he hates you. I hope in time, he will work through some of his own pain and get to a place where he’s not telling himself this story of you being a crazy villain.
Yes, after this process I can't understand why anyone would want to practice family law! I especially felt sorry for my ex's lawyer, even though we were technically on "opposing" teams. I can't imagine she felt particularly good about the outcome from a moral standpoint, even if she technically did pretty well for her client.
I’ve told this story to a few friends, but my friend who practiced family law for 10 years and started a new firm solely for her family law team and was very financially successful left it all to go work a remote software AI job. She told me last summer she had to take sleep aids for years because she had nightmares about all the violence and unsecured firearms cases and I could see how stressed she looked- her skin was gray. She seems so much happier now. Our boys went to preschool together and I lost my go-to referral person but I’m glad we both spend more time with our kids again. I went to a continuing legal education class about Moral Injury and I absolutely believe the lawyers are being highly affected too. I hate that anyone goes through all this horror to divorce! Like many lawyers, I went into practice thinking it would be good to advocate for people, but it’s all really morally tough.
"But he’s their father, and according to just about everyone, it’s really important that my kids have a father. I have questioned many times whether or not an inconsistent, emotionally abusive dad who struggles with alcoholism is someone who should currently be in my kids’ life."
That's a great thing to question! And obviously you know you don't really have the power to necessarily act as you think best on any conclusions you draw, but I want to affirm that this idea is one worth questioning. I come to this as the kid in the story, and everyone talked about How Important Your Relationship With Your Father Is. It was never on him to fix that relationship though - it was on me (a literal child) to I guess.. feel better about his abuse?? Bad parent is not better than no parent, just like bad romantic partner is not better than no romantic partner. (*Maybe* this isn't true if we're talking about a bad parent vs no parents at all, but your kids have you.) I'm sorry for what you're going through. My mom shouldn't have had to and neither should you.
My friends and I mostly parallel parent with our exes. I don't know too many people who effectively co-parent. I mean, if you couldn't hold a marriage together, you probably can't effectively co-parent children together afterwards.
I also tried a collaborative lawyer at first. Then my ex told her that he was planning on representing himself, and going to court, and suing her law firm for some cockamamie thing, and she told me regretfully that mediation was never going to work. I had to throw away that money and start over. And then I set off on a three-year divorce that culminated in a three-day trial and cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars.
It's been a while now. I used to fear my ex, fear what scandal he might stumble into, fear his associates, and mostly, fear for my children around him and his judgement that deteriorated after the divorce. But mostly I'm not afraid anymore, and I have two happy and healthy kids who are in college now. Time will make all of this fade, I promise, I promise, I promise!
The best revenge is living well, I like to say. And indifference is the ultimate F-you. I love my life now, my distance from my ex, my amazing kids, and the fact that I'm in control of my fate. Hang in there - you're doing great, and you're a great writer too.
It's great to hear from someone who's further along this journey. And yes, I intend to continue living well and exercising control where I can. Thank you!
Takes 3 years minimum, in my experience, for the animosity to begin to ebb. Although if there’s mental illness, it could go on for a decade. Mania is very vindictive.
Co-parenting with someone who is filled with hate is impossible. Their ego blinds them to the fact that they are hurting their kids - not the wife who left him. He fools himself into believing his kids don’t see or understand his manipulation of the mother who is raising them. But they do. And then years pass and the kids become adults who have no respect for their “father” who took the low road. I’ve wondered how he could put his head down at night knowing he lost the respect of his children because he spent more time hating their mother than loving his children. And then I sleep well knowing my children and I are a family filled with love.
My ex left me. When I was 36 weeks pregnant with our third. But it was still my fault. That was his narrative and he was sticking to it. Clearly I hadn't been taking adequate care of him. I may even have asked for help, aka nagging. Well, we all know that this drives them away, they cannot help it... anyway, to his credit he didn't go for custody or cash, the actual divorce was as amicable as it could be. Mostly because he didn't get a lawyer. Mine was very reasonable, so as not to antagonise him too much. And he got away with being fun, no homework, mega screen time, no enforced bedtime dad every other weekend while I was the boring sensible one with all the dull rules... still worth it. Less hassle, less laundry, less aggro... but for years, I was the wicked witch who caused the break up (in his mind) and it was tough. Now he even acknowledges that I did good, so time does help. Lots of time!
What a hard, exhausting thing. I appreciate your reflections a lot and can relate in all sorts of ways even though I haven't experienced the particular situation of divorce/"co-parenting." So hard to let go of the desire to control/fix what we can't control/fix...
Yes, letting go of that desire is so hard and can be so helpful in lots of different contexts. I bring that same mindset to how I consume news these days as well.
Thank you, Kerala, for sharing that you are in a recovery programme. I also am and continually try to remember not to hold anger or resentment, but to take responsibility for (only) the things I can change.
This really resonated with me as I'm in the same situation. I've since read about the grey rock method and it's helped. That doesn't mean I don't get angry at the daily inequalities - the difference between his simple life and my complicated one - but it's helped me feel more in control at least.
Yes, keeping the focus on what we can control is so key. (In other areas of life, as well!) And you know what? Our complicated lives are also full of more care and more love. ❤️
"And for me, what’s been the most bitter pill to swallow, is the slow realization that I will still be subject to my ex-husband’s abuses, and my time and labor will continue to be exploited for many years to come."
100% - I am still responsible for financially supporting my ex, while doing all of the mental labor and the great majority of the childcare. The most bitter pill to swallow for me is how much time and effort I spend making up for his inadequacies, such as the homework that isn't done on his fun weekends with the kids, when if we were still together I would have insisted that the kids finish their homework before heading to the amusement park, etc. Thank you for sharing - a great article about the aftermath of divorce and the areas that aren't spoken about often.
As someone who has been in a much shorter relationship with such a nightmarish ex, I really feel you. I'm a recent subscriber and I've been loving your work all the way. Much love!!
Been here too and the sooner your ex is no longer in any of your lives the sooner you will be able to process and heal. This man is abusive and I agree with other comments that no dad is better than an abusive one. He is no father anyhow and hanging onto trying to make the relationship work with someone set out to destroy it is a waste of time, energy, love and respect. You get none of that in return and it is widely accepted that children witnessing abuse become co-victims. They have rights under the Children Act 1989 and UN convention on the Rights of the Child 1989 which I hadn’t known about but you can perhaps explore. You don’t owe him anything and you children deserve peace. I have severed ties with a similar ex now my sons are older and told them to grieve now and get it over with rather than us all spend the next decade keeping grieving while he comes and does and dumps his toxicity on us all. The stress has nearly killed me. It’s called post-separation abuse and it’s awareness week for that! Oh and I recommend the Grey Rock technique for communication you can look up too! Good luck and well done for coming so far. You are not alone.
You're so amazing at hitting the nerves of your reality and reflecting it for us to understand and resonate. My ex lives in our house, no rent, because I was so eager to get out, I made horrible negotiations. My name is on the deed. Until then, I had a guy who would do things that seemed like he wanted to sabotage my job, even though I was making the house payments. Then there was the chastising. The "I'm here to help you if only you'll listen", then bait and switch. We don't have kids, I have no idea what that added layer of responsibility and stepping into the need to care for children and protect them. I think a lot of relationships have their own unique psychology, yet there are similarities in what abuse looks like, but the reasons can be different. Thank you. We're different, your writing awakens so much that in even remote commonality, we can support each other, or at least realize we're not alone in being hated.
Yes, every relationship is obviously unique, but I'm finding there are many more parallels than most of us realize. That's been the power of group recovery for me because talking to a therapist in a vacuum gives me no sense of solidarity or validation. It's my hope to bring this to readers, so as much as I wish this story didn't resonate with you, I'm glad you can find some semblance of support. Hugs!
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this shit! You deserve so much better. Sending big hugs to the PNW, and I'm in awe of how spiritually strong you're handling this nonsense. I'd be in jail by now...
Ugh. I want to give you a big ole hug and maybe even sit and cry together because I am EXHAUSTED by finding a way to coparent that doesn't leave me mentally spiraling. I hope with time, things get better, or at least you find healthy ways to cope until you don't have to actively parent together.
Wow, this is so beautifully written. I’m so sorry for what you and your children are going through right now. But I also recognize your power from your writing. I just know you’re going to find your happiness and peace. Your kids are so lucky to have you. Keep keeping on, sister.
And this is why I stopped practicing family law. It was never a major practice area but it was very emotionally tough on me and SO MANY PEOPLE were wrong about how amicable they were- at the beginning, people think they will collaborate and mediation will be easy and then everyone is so full of pain and venom and it’s awful.
I am sorry you are going through all this, it’s horrible to try to parent with someone who fully disrespects you and acts like he hates you. I hope in time, he will work through some of his own pain and get to a place where he’s not telling himself this story of you being a crazy villain.
Yes, after this process I can't understand why anyone would want to practice family law! I especially felt sorry for my ex's lawyer, even though we were technically on "opposing" teams. I can't imagine she felt particularly good about the outcome from a moral standpoint, even if she technically did pretty well for her client.
I’ve told this story to a few friends, but my friend who practiced family law for 10 years and started a new firm solely for her family law team and was very financially successful left it all to go work a remote software AI job. She told me last summer she had to take sleep aids for years because she had nightmares about all the violence and unsecured firearms cases and I could see how stressed she looked- her skin was gray. She seems so much happier now. Our boys went to preschool together and I lost my go-to referral person but I’m glad we both spend more time with our kids again. I went to a continuing legal education class about Moral Injury and I absolutely believe the lawyers are being highly affected too. I hate that anyone goes through all this horror to divorce! Like many lawyers, I went into practice thinking it would be good to advocate for people, but it’s all really morally tough.
"But he’s their father, and according to just about everyone, it’s really important that my kids have a father. I have questioned many times whether or not an inconsistent, emotionally abusive dad who struggles with alcoholism is someone who should currently be in my kids’ life."
That's a great thing to question! And obviously you know you don't really have the power to necessarily act as you think best on any conclusions you draw, but I want to affirm that this idea is one worth questioning. I come to this as the kid in the story, and everyone talked about How Important Your Relationship With Your Father Is. It was never on him to fix that relationship though - it was on me (a literal child) to I guess.. feel better about his abuse?? Bad parent is not better than no parent, just like bad romantic partner is not better than no romantic partner. (*Maybe* this isn't true if we're talking about a bad parent vs no parents at all, but your kids have you.) I'm sorry for what you're going through. My mom shouldn't have had to and neither should you.
My friends and I mostly parallel parent with our exes. I don't know too many people who effectively co-parent. I mean, if you couldn't hold a marriage together, you probably can't effectively co-parent children together afterwards.
I also tried a collaborative lawyer at first. Then my ex told her that he was planning on representing himself, and going to court, and suing her law firm for some cockamamie thing, and she told me regretfully that mediation was never going to work. I had to throw away that money and start over. And then I set off on a three-year divorce that culminated in a three-day trial and cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars.
It's been a while now. I used to fear my ex, fear what scandal he might stumble into, fear his associates, and mostly, fear for my children around him and his judgement that deteriorated after the divorce. But mostly I'm not afraid anymore, and I have two happy and healthy kids who are in college now. Time will make all of this fade, I promise, I promise, I promise!
The best revenge is living well, I like to say. And indifference is the ultimate F-you. I love my life now, my distance from my ex, my amazing kids, and the fact that I'm in control of my fate. Hang in there - you're doing great, and you're a great writer too.
It's great to hear from someone who's further along this journey. And yes, I intend to continue living well and exercising control where I can. Thank you!
Takes 3 years minimum, in my experience, for the animosity to begin to ebb. Although if there’s mental illness, it could go on for a decade. Mania is very vindictive.
Co-parenting with someone who is filled with hate is impossible. Their ego blinds them to the fact that they are hurting their kids - not the wife who left him. He fools himself into believing his kids don’t see or understand his manipulation of the mother who is raising them. But they do. And then years pass and the kids become adults who have no respect for their “father” who took the low road. I’ve wondered how he could put his head down at night knowing he lost the respect of his children because he spent more time hating their mother than loving his children. And then I sleep well knowing my children and I are a family filled with love.
This is 100% my story, thank you so much for sharing. DARVO has become my favorite explanation for elucidating the situation to my friends and family.
My ex left me. When I was 36 weeks pregnant with our third. But it was still my fault. That was his narrative and he was sticking to it. Clearly I hadn't been taking adequate care of him. I may even have asked for help, aka nagging. Well, we all know that this drives them away, they cannot help it... anyway, to his credit he didn't go for custody or cash, the actual divorce was as amicable as it could be. Mostly because he didn't get a lawyer. Mine was very reasonable, so as not to antagonise him too much. And he got away with being fun, no homework, mega screen time, no enforced bedtime dad every other weekend while I was the boring sensible one with all the dull rules... still worth it. Less hassle, less laundry, less aggro... but for years, I was the wicked witch who caused the break up (in his mind) and it was tough. Now he even acknowledges that I did good, so time does help. Lots of time!
I’m glad you got somewhere better eventually! I think it will also take a LOT of time in my case, but maybe someday…
What a hard, exhausting thing. I appreciate your reflections a lot and can relate in all sorts of ways even though I haven't experienced the particular situation of divorce/"co-parenting." So hard to let go of the desire to control/fix what we can't control/fix...
Yes, letting go of that desire is so hard and can be so helpful in lots of different contexts. I bring that same mindset to how I consume news these days as well.
Thank you, Kerala, for sharing that you are in a recovery programme. I also am and continually try to remember not to hold anger or resentment, but to take responsibility for (only) the things I can change.
This really resonated with me as I'm in the same situation. I've since read about the grey rock method and it's helped. That doesn't mean I don't get angry at the daily inequalities - the difference between his simple life and my complicated one - but it's helped me feel more in control at least.
Yes, keeping the focus on what we can control is so key. (In other areas of life, as well!) And you know what? Our complicated lives are also full of more care and more love. ❤️
"And for me, what’s been the most bitter pill to swallow, is the slow realization that I will still be subject to my ex-husband’s abuses, and my time and labor will continue to be exploited for many years to come."
100% - I am still responsible for financially supporting my ex, while doing all of the mental labor and the great majority of the childcare. The most bitter pill to swallow for me is how much time and effort I spend making up for his inadequacies, such as the homework that isn't done on his fun weekends with the kids, when if we were still together I would have insisted that the kids finish their homework before heading to the amusement park, etc. Thank you for sharing - a great article about the aftermath of divorce and the areas that aren't spoken about often.
As someone who has been in a much shorter relationship with such a nightmarish ex, I really feel you. I'm a recent subscriber and I've been loving your work all the way. Much love!!
Thank you, Dhamini!
Been here too and the sooner your ex is no longer in any of your lives the sooner you will be able to process and heal. This man is abusive and I agree with other comments that no dad is better than an abusive one. He is no father anyhow and hanging onto trying to make the relationship work with someone set out to destroy it is a waste of time, energy, love and respect. You get none of that in return and it is widely accepted that children witnessing abuse become co-victims. They have rights under the Children Act 1989 and UN convention on the Rights of the Child 1989 which I hadn’t known about but you can perhaps explore. You don’t owe him anything and you children deserve peace. I have severed ties with a similar ex now my sons are older and told them to grieve now and get it over with rather than us all spend the next decade keeping grieving while he comes and does and dumps his toxicity on us all. The stress has nearly killed me. It’s called post-separation abuse and it’s awareness week for that! Oh and I recommend the Grey Rock technique for communication you can look up too! Good luck and well done for coming so far. You are not alone.
You're so amazing at hitting the nerves of your reality and reflecting it for us to understand and resonate. My ex lives in our house, no rent, because I was so eager to get out, I made horrible negotiations. My name is on the deed. Until then, I had a guy who would do things that seemed like he wanted to sabotage my job, even though I was making the house payments. Then there was the chastising. The "I'm here to help you if only you'll listen", then bait and switch. We don't have kids, I have no idea what that added layer of responsibility and stepping into the need to care for children and protect them. I think a lot of relationships have their own unique psychology, yet there are similarities in what abuse looks like, but the reasons can be different. Thank you. We're different, your writing awakens so much that in even remote commonality, we can support each other, or at least realize we're not alone in being hated.
Yes, every relationship is obviously unique, but I'm finding there are many more parallels than most of us realize. That's been the power of group recovery for me because talking to a therapist in a vacuum gives me no sense of solidarity or validation. It's my hope to bring this to readers, so as much as I wish this story didn't resonate with you, I'm glad you can find some semblance of support. Hugs!
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this shit! You deserve so much better. Sending big hugs to the PNW, and I'm in awe of how spiritually strong you're handling this nonsense. I'd be in jail by now...
Thank you, Al Anon! And thank you for the virtual hugs ❤️
Ugh. I want to give you a big ole hug and maybe even sit and cry together because I am EXHAUSTED by finding a way to coparent that doesn't leave me mentally spiraling. I hope with time, things get better, or at least you find healthy ways to cope until you don't have to actively parent together.
A big ole hug right back atcha! It can be so hard & exhausting. I'm very much looking forward to the day when we're no longer actively parenting...
Wow, this is so beautifully written. I’m so sorry for what you and your children are going through right now. But I also recognize your power from your writing. I just know you’re going to find your happiness and peace. Your kids are so lucky to have you. Keep keeping on, sister.