Oof, yes. As someone who spends a lot of time in my life fighting with men about website accessibility AND child care and house work, this really hits close to home for me. You have described some of the discomfort I have felt about marriage counseling—most therapists know that they will not be successful convincing men to sacrifice more of their time and energy to the family and household, so instead they are focused on convincing women to accept the status quo and “communicate their needs better”, as if inequality were just a communication issue. If men don’t see our needs as important, we must not be communicating that our needs are important.
Similarly, so much of my time working in tech has been spent trying to “manage up” and convince higher-ups to care about accessibility and user experience, even though we could actually accomplish a lot more if I spent more of my time doing my actual job rather than convincing them my job is important.
Yep, you hit the nail on the head on both counts here! As you note, the fighting gets so exhausting and distracts us from all the important work we could be doing instead.
I have done all of those things. Two of them very recently. Please go bark up some other weird a** tree where someone else hangs out with you and thinks those tasks are “man”ual labor. Puh-LEEZ 💀
This quote made me want o scream: “Women should accept the extra beans with a smile because women who do this are happier wives, and we should be grateful that our husbands aren’t beating or cheating on us.”
I can’t believe that in 2025 men & women believe this. I know they do, but it boggles my mind.
You bring up an important point: women do the bulk of the work to save their individual marriages, and they are also doing the work to save the overall institution of marriage (by retrofitting it to be equitable).
In both cases, if a man/men want to save their marriage/marriage in general, they should be doing that work.
Thank you. I'm trying to be a better husband and to really understand how marriage works. My life and perspective changed radically when my wife had a serious medical condition that led to disability. Suddenly I had to do everything she had been doing. My kids were tweens at the time. It was exhausting, mentally and emotionally, for all the reasons you gave. I wish it hadn't happened the way it did, but we ended up in a better marriage as a result.
The fight is exhausting and so draining! You hit the nail on the head on that one. I wish everyone would read this and start seeing how exhausting marriage is for women. So so exhausting. Even being a single parent is much easier than being in an inequitable marriage. Which says a lot!! And no, we're not glamorizing divorce either. We're saying that when a divorce and single parenting is much easier than fighting for an equitable marriage, that's data worth examining.
I literally stopped doing things that got little appreciation, like cooking dinner or doing dishes. So the less I do the more he has to step up and he has finally noticed that someone has to do that stuff. I’m done trying to negotiate or mediate. Just stop doing those things that you hate doing, and lower your expectations as to how he will do those things when needed. It’s working better so far, ironically.
This can work for visible tasks, but is very tricky for invisible labor that is not even on his radar. I used to get this advice a lot and actually wrote a whole story about why I struggle with it! "Just Do Less -- And Other Unhelpful Tips for Women": https://keralagoodkin.substack.com/p/just-do-lessand-other-unhelpful-tips
I'm doing this now, in protest, I guess. But the other problem is that you live in a constant state of ick that is good for no one. I don't want to live in a dirty messy house-- it makes us all stressed. So divorce it is.
As a couples' therapist and someone on their second go-round with marriage, I can relate to much of what you have written here. I can see so clearly my role in perpetuating the patriarchical division of labor in my first chapter and have worked hard to have more equity in my second marriage. What I find helpful is what one other commenter shared about looking at leisure time as a measure for the equity in the relationship. However, it doesn't take into account the personal satisfaction I receive for preparing a delicious, healthy meal or the joy I get spending time working in my yard or doing other tasks that make my environment aesthetically pleasing. Maybe I have been "groomed" to like the things that benefit those around me? Or is this a purely personal oddity? Another consideration is that I have anxious energy that often gets channeled into the chores that need to be done. This is the focus of my current personal development. Neither of these issues would be solved by living in a communal environment, as much as I love that idea.
I'm among the last people you need approval from, Kerala, as I imagine my behavior in my long-ago-ended marriage was thematically similar to your husband's. I'm really sorry that you're going through all of that. Anyway, this was great. Thanks for writing it. I'm a huge proponent and co-signer of the commune-style, it-takes-a-village idea. It would save so many marriages.
The counting thing is tricky. You don’t want a relationship where you have to be super vigilant and constantly accounting - that feels transactional. But you know you’re not really in a true partnership when the “balance” is tipped. I think there probably are objective “measures” that one could use eg:
1. Do both partners get roughly equal leisure time?
2. Do both partners get roughly equal sleep quality (and the quantity each needs)?
3. Do both partners get enough tangible and intangible support from one another to follow their passions ?
4. On a Likert scale of 1-10, do both feel equally (and highly) satisfied / happy / fulfilled / supported / championed / seen / cared for / taken seriously / respected in the relationship ?
5. How many minutes per day does he talk to her vs the converse?
6. On a 1-10 scale, how confident is each partner in being able to raise issues with the other and having them resolved?
But yeah, if you’ve gotten to the stage that you are having to do this, it’s probably beyond hope 😔
Not that I get to decide true and untrue, but I believe this is the No. 1 indicator or corollary to whether relationships are healthy or unhealthy; whether they will last or end in divorce. You MUST be able to trust your partner that you can tell them something is wrong, or that you're having some worry or problem, and walk away from that conversation believing you're in a relationship with someone who listens, who seeks to understand, and who will cooperate in helping you address whatever problem you're having. At MINIMUM, not invalidate and abandon you to feel alone with it afterward. So many people (usually men, if we're honest about it) struggle with this crucial idea.
This is an aside to main point of the post: Ms. Goodkin, where might I find out more about your company building truly accessible websites from the ground up? Have you interacted with others about this? Consulted professionally about this? Published anything? Used other models as a jumping off point? I know quite a few people who would make good use of this information.
This is a philosophy we have, but unfortunately it can be very difficult for clients to prioritize paying for a truly accessible website experience. But I would absolutely recommend the book "Design for Real Life," which is all about inclusive design and prioritizing "stress cases" rather than sweeping them under the rug as "edge" or "fringe" cases: https://abookapart.com/products/design-for-real-life.html
We're working on all this as a company but still have a ways to go!
I think this is an excellent article that also has useful applications to other situations In which labor is not explicitly identified, which precludes discussions about equitable sharing.
Two such situations: households in which adult children live with their parents, and family businesses.
Note that this is not necessarily as gender-driven in those other situations; any one person who is seen as the specialist in executing a certain kind of task may be presumed to automatically take on all the logistical labor surrounding it.
I feel like marriage inequality is still seen as this inconvenient thing that women just have to muddle through and hope for the best - I’ve read too much of Zawn’s work to believe that. Unequal marriages are VIOLENT!!!! It’s emotional violence!!! Stealing their partners time and labor is violent and abusive - and that’s the baseline for most hetero marriages.
Oof, yes. As someone who spends a lot of time in my life fighting with men about website accessibility AND child care and house work, this really hits close to home for me. You have described some of the discomfort I have felt about marriage counseling—most therapists know that they will not be successful convincing men to sacrifice more of their time and energy to the family and household, so instead they are focused on convincing women to accept the status quo and “communicate their needs better”, as if inequality were just a communication issue. If men don’t see our needs as important, we must not be communicating that our needs are important.
Similarly, so much of my time working in tech has been spent trying to “manage up” and convince higher-ups to care about accessibility and user experience, even though we could actually accomplish a lot more if I spent more of my time doing my actual job rather than convincing them my job is important.
Yep, you hit the nail on the head on both counts here! As you note, the fighting gets so exhausting and distracts us from all the important work we could be doing instead.
I have done all of those things. Two of them very recently. Please go bark up some other weird a** tree where someone else hangs out with you and thinks those tasks are “man”ual labor. Puh-LEEZ 💀
This quote made me want o scream: “Women should accept the extra beans with a smile because women who do this are happier wives, and we should be grateful that our husbands aren’t beating or cheating on us.”
I can’t believe that in 2025 men & women believe this. I know they do, but it boggles my mind.
You bring up an important point: women do the bulk of the work to save their individual marriages, and they are also doing the work to save the overall institution of marriage (by retrofitting it to be equitable).
In both cases, if a man/men want to save their marriage/marriage in general, they should be doing that work.
Well put!
Troll alert
Thank you. I'm trying to be a better husband and to really understand how marriage works. My life and perspective changed radically when my wife had a serious medical condition that led to disability. Suddenly I had to do everything she had been doing. My kids were tweens at the time. It was exhausting, mentally and emotionally, for all the reasons you gave. I wish it hadn't happened the way it did, but we ended up in a better marriage as a result.
Absolutely love this! Dovetails nicely with a lot of work that Zawn Villines at Liberating Motherhood also writes about. (Kindred spirits!)
As always, you say this so well and really pinpoint what our problems are. I wish everyone would read this piece.
The fight is exhausting and so draining! You hit the nail on the head on that one. I wish everyone would read this and start seeing how exhausting marriage is for women. So so exhausting. Even being a single parent is much easier than being in an inequitable marriage. Which says a lot!! And no, we're not glamorizing divorce either. We're saying that when a divorce and single parenting is much easier than fighting for an equitable marriage, that's data worth examining.
I literally stopped doing things that got little appreciation, like cooking dinner or doing dishes. So the less I do the more he has to step up and he has finally noticed that someone has to do that stuff. I’m done trying to negotiate or mediate. Just stop doing those things that you hate doing, and lower your expectations as to how he will do those things when needed. It’s working better so far, ironically.
This can work for visible tasks, but is very tricky for invisible labor that is not even on his radar. I used to get this advice a lot and actually wrote a whole story about why I struggle with it! "Just Do Less -- And Other Unhelpful Tips for Women": https://keralagoodkin.substack.com/p/just-do-lessand-other-unhelpful-tips
I'm doing this now, in protest, I guess. But the other problem is that you live in a constant state of ick that is good for no one. I don't want to live in a dirty messy house-- it makes us all stressed. So divorce it is.
As a couples' therapist and someone on their second go-round with marriage, I can relate to much of what you have written here. I can see so clearly my role in perpetuating the patriarchical division of labor in my first chapter and have worked hard to have more equity in my second marriage. What I find helpful is what one other commenter shared about looking at leisure time as a measure for the equity in the relationship. However, it doesn't take into account the personal satisfaction I receive for preparing a delicious, healthy meal or the joy I get spending time working in my yard or doing other tasks that make my environment aesthetically pleasing. Maybe I have been "groomed" to like the things that benefit those around me? Or is this a purely personal oddity? Another consideration is that I have anxious energy that often gets channeled into the chores that need to be done. This is the focus of my current personal development. Neither of these issues would be solved by living in a communal environment, as much as I love that idea.
I'm among the last people you need approval from, Kerala, as I imagine my behavior in my long-ago-ended marriage was thematically similar to your husband's. I'm really sorry that you're going through all of that. Anyway, this was great. Thanks for writing it. I'm a huge proponent and co-signer of the commune-style, it-takes-a-village idea. It would save so many marriages.
The counting thing is tricky. You don’t want a relationship where you have to be super vigilant and constantly accounting - that feels transactional. But you know you’re not really in a true partnership when the “balance” is tipped. I think there probably are objective “measures” that one could use eg:
1. Do both partners get roughly equal leisure time?
2. Do both partners get roughly equal sleep quality (and the quantity each needs)?
3. Do both partners get enough tangible and intangible support from one another to follow their passions ?
4. On a Likert scale of 1-10, do both feel equally (and highly) satisfied / happy / fulfilled / supported / championed / seen / cared for / taken seriously / respected in the relationship ?
5. How many minutes per day does he talk to her vs the converse?
6. On a 1-10 scale, how confident is each partner in being able to raise issues with the other and having them resolved?
But yeah, if you’ve gotten to the stage that you are having to do this, it’s probably beyond hope 😔
Not that I get to decide true and untrue, but I believe this is the No. 1 indicator or corollary to whether relationships are healthy or unhealthy; whether they will last or end in divorce. You MUST be able to trust your partner that you can tell them something is wrong, or that you're having some worry or problem, and walk away from that conversation believing you're in a relationship with someone who listens, who seeks to understand, and who will cooperate in helping you address whatever problem you're having. At MINIMUM, not invalidate and abandon you to feel alone with it afterward. So many people (usually men, if we're honest about it) struggle with this crucial idea.
This is an aside to main point of the post: Ms. Goodkin, where might I find out more about your company building truly accessible websites from the ground up? Have you interacted with others about this? Consulted professionally about this? Published anything? Used other models as a jumping off point? I know quite a few people who would make good use of this information.
Thanks for any leads.
This is a philosophy we have, but unfortunately it can be very difficult for clients to prioritize paying for a truly accessible website experience. But I would absolutely recommend the book "Design for Real Life," which is all about inclusive design and prioritizing "stress cases" rather than sweeping them under the rug as "edge" or "fringe" cases: https://abookapart.com/products/design-for-real-life.html
We're working on all this as a company but still have a ways to go!
I think this is an excellent article that also has useful applications to other situations In which labor is not explicitly identified, which precludes discussions about equitable sharing.
Two such situations: households in which adult children live with their parents, and family businesses.
Note that this is not necessarily as gender-driven in those other situations; any one person who is seen as the specialist in executing a certain kind of task may be presumed to automatically take on all the logistical labor surrounding it.
Thanks for sharing your very useful thinking.
You unpeel the onion and get to the core so beautifully!
I feel like marriage inequality is still seen as this inconvenient thing that women just have to muddle through and hope for the best - I’ve read too much of Zawn’s work to believe that. Unequal marriages are VIOLENT!!!! It’s emotional violence!!! Stealing their partners time and labor is violent and abusive - and that’s the baseline for most hetero marriages.
So. Freaking. Good. 🙌🏻