The insistence that they're not a part of the problem *is* the problem. Because once you've decided to wear "good," and "nice," and "ally" as identities rather than actions, you'll start weaponizing these identities against they very people you claim to want to help. The angriest messages I get come from "feminist" men.
So many good points! This one really makes you think: The fact that men rarely speak up about child care, despite the fact that 92.5% of fathers work, should be surprising.
After spending 50 years around men who really didn't get any of it, I am very grateful for the partner I have now. I think he's a healthier feminist than I am. It takes a lot of years to untangle what is laid down at a foundational level when you are of my generation. Oh, and block the haters. Not sure why they are even reading if they are not interested in being open to new levels of understanding.
Oh yes, as someone who's been untangling all the unhealthy ways I was socialized as a woman, not to mention a white person, I know it is a difficult journey. I'm so glad you've found yourself a healthy, authentic feminist partner. They do exist!
I've heard recently that 1 of 5 SAH parents these days is the dad and that current dads are spending 3x more time with their children then our fathers spent with us. That's why I'm here.
The traditional gender roles in my household are completely flipped. My wife wakes up and goes to work, I work remotely but also handle the children and household.
I started saying House Husband as a joke but then it started to stick. I've since leaned into the role completely and realize that my unique position allows me the opportunity to directly and actively impact my children and family's life.
My soon-to-be ex-husband actually watched our daughter from 10 weeks to 18 months after I went back to work. That was one of the best stretches in our relationship, and I believe it opened his eyes to the challenges and joys of care work. Unfortunately, when he took on a demanding job in the paid economy, those lessons didn't really stick.
One pattern I've noticed amongst the SAHDs I've known is that they treat their work more like a 9-5 job. That is to say, they are primarily responsible for the kids and home during working hours, and then there is every expectation that their partner will come home and share the load. I think this is actually a much healthier way to be a primary caregiver. Traditional SAHMs have long been expected to continue on with all the housework and care work evenings and weekends, which includes also attending to their husbands' needs. That's when care work becomes depleting.
So glad to hear you're leaning into this role and recognizing the myriad benefits of caregiving!
You nailed it and I battled that mindset for awhile myself. She would get home and I'm like "HERE! They're yours now!". I've matured out of that and my wife has really stepped up, in such that she knows it's hard for me to do things I want to do. Even if that's just mowing the yard or sitting on the phone with a friend for an hour. If she's home she consistently says "if there's anything you need or want to do, go ahead"
I'm SO very grateful for this post – and for the clear and effective examples of what a man who Gets It looks like. Thank you, Kerala!
And I'm sorry (but not surprised) to see how one of those who never will get it is ready to prove your point beautifully in the shitty comments below. It's remarkable how easy it is to abuse women in the name of defending natural-born patriarchal privilege. Seriously hope one of the Real Ones steps up! The time is now, dudes. 🎤
Thank you bridget, and yes, it's never fun to get comments like that, but it no longer surprises me. Comments like that really did surprise me when I first started writing! I wasn't at all prepared for the blatant misogyny... I mean maybe on Twitter/X but on serious platforms for deep thinkers? Just goes to show how firm a grip the patriarchy still holds on all of us.
Glad to hear you're having a better experience with husband #2 - best of luck! I think most of the happiest marriages I see are second marriages. While at this point, I have no intention of marrying again, I have a much clearer sense of what and who I need.
The challenge is indeed how to raise one! My husband is one, but he was not raised by a man who was. So it wasn’t modelled to him - yet he somehow ended up here. Why!!! How!!! Our son will have the modelling, which is powerful of course, but is that enough? I don’t know! I really want to know!
I also married a man who thought he Got It, and I agreed, only to realize how thoroughly he didn’t Get It when he left me. This is why I refuse to even look for a new partner. I’m taking care of my children and myself. Why would I want to add a man to my responsibilities when he wouldn’t even understand the concept of adding to his?!
I feel you. I may feel an appetite for dating at some point, but I don’t plan to ever marry or cohabitate with a man ever again. I have so much more emotional bandwidth now, and I intend to keep it!
“ The challenge is in figuring out how to breed more.” This strikes me as wrong. Raise boys to recognize that if they want a partner, they should really get it, but also to recognize that it is okay not to be partnered, or to decide that you don’t want to be partnered because your life is richer without a partner
I meant "breed" in the sense of "to take care of and teach a child who is growing up." I'm in no way advocating that everyone should be partnered -- I'm about to be officially unpartnered and am thoroughly enjoying myself!
That was a great read, thank you. I have, and always will have, blind spots in these areas. There is quite a lot to untangle whenever we try to work out what equity, division of labor and responsibility, values and expectations look like in a relationship.
I have never said nor thought that my work outside the home was more important, yet I regularly get accused of it due to misquotes and projection. It is a precarious thing to defend oneself without unwittingly convincing your spouse that their wrong conclusions were actually correct.
My spouse has been stay at home for all but the first few of our thirty five years together. The first five at home years were before children. We (she) homeschooled our kids because the public school was a poor fit for the kids and it was doing as much harm as good. She did an amazing job. I wanted to participate more in that but, even in the subjects I am strong in, my style was not appreciated by the kids or my wife. I was also away at work and commuting during those years for all of the prime schooling hours, so there wasn't a lot of choice.
For reasons I won't go into in a public forum, I am not great with children in general, and this was made clear before we had children. Unfair, or not? Who's to judge that? I have always made a concerted effort to pick up that slack in other ways. There is a debateable level if equity in that kind of relationship, where ideally our participation is actively chosen according to our individual and relative strengths and weaknesses, availability, wants and needs. Nothing should just be passively dumped on one partner.
I would likely dig myself into a hole if I provided a list of the things I do almost exclusively and those that I share almost equally, like John did here, but I also am smart enough to know that that is humbly the least I could do and like another reader commented, I don't see why he was so angry. Oh, yeah, he really doesn't get it. I think I do, but inevitably there will be times when I stand corrected.
With only one partner working outside the home, while it is not more important than any of the other partner's contributions, it is still a critical part of the formula that makes it all possible and sometimes compromises are a necessary part of preserving income and future security. I was not home when most of the child rearing went on, and my wife had no exposure to numbing bureaucracy, endless inequities, inept management and lack of privacy that was part of my cubicled job in a large government agency. The job had its rewards, and I was very good at it, and it was the biggest thing I could do for the family. Most of your readers may disagree, but I think there is some (usually unspoken and/or unrecognized) balance of neither spouse truly appreciating the efforts and the weight of responsibilty of the other in their respective role.
If I worked late, it was always a combination of devotion to the job's mission, preservation of the family's security and simply a requirement of the job. It was never about avoiding anything at home nor was there ever any sense of greater importance.
I will strive to continue applying fairness, empathy and compassion in my partnership. New challenges arise all the time, like resentment at my increased presence since I recently retired. I think I've said more than enough - sorry it is so long.
The insistence that they're not a part of the problem *is* the problem. Because once you've decided to wear "good," and "nice," and "ally" as identities rather than actions, you'll start weaponizing these identities against they very people you claim to want to help. The angriest messages I get come from "feminist" men.
On a similar topic: https://zawn.substack.com/p/but-im-an-ally-and-a-feminist-how
Yes! Very well put, and a point I now wish I'd made more explicitly in this story :)
So many good points! This one really makes you think: The fact that men rarely speak up about child care, despite the fact that 92.5% of fathers work, should be surprising.
Oy.
After spending 50 years around men who really didn't get any of it, I am very grateful for the partner I have now. I think he's a healthier feminist than I am. It takes a lot of years to untangle what is laid down at a foundational level when you are of my generation. Oh, and block the haters. Not sure why they are even reading if they are not interested in being open to new levels of understanding.
Oh yes, as someone who's been untangling all the unhealthy ways I was socialized as a woman, not to mention a white person, I know it is a difficult journey. I'm so glad you've found yourself a healthy, authentic feminist partner. They do exist!
I've heard recently that 1 of 5 SAH parents these days is the dad and that current dads are spending 3x more time with their children then our fathers spent with us. That's why I'm here.
The traditional gender roles in my household are completely flipped. My wife wakes up and goes to work, I work remotely but also handle the children and household.
I started saying House Husband as a joke but then it started to stick. I've since leaned into the role completely and realize that my unique position allows me the opportunity to directly and actively impact my children and family's life.
My soon-to-be ex-husband actually watched our daughter from 10 weeks to 18 months after I went back to work. That was one of the best stretches in our relationship, and I believe it opened his eyes to the challenges and joys of care work. Unfortunately, when he took on a demanding job in the paid economy, those lessons didn't really stick.
One pattern I've noticed amongst the SAHDs I've known is that they treat their work more like a 9-5 job. That is to say, they are primarily responsible for the kids and home during working hours, and then there is every expectation that their partner will come home and share the load. I think this is actually a much healthier way to be a primary caregiver. Traditional SAHMs have long been expected to continue on with all the housework and care work evenings and weekends, which includes also attending to their husbands' needs. That's when care work becomes depleting.
So glad to hear you're leaning into this role and recognizing the myriad benefits of caregiving!
You nailed it and I battled that mindset for awhile myself. She would get home and I'm like "HERE! They're yours now!". I've matured out of that and my wife has really stepped up, in such that she knows it's hard for me to do things I want to do. Even if that's just mowing the yard or sitting on the phone with a friend for an hour. If she's home she consistently says "if there's anything you need or want to do, go ahead"
I'm SO very grateful for this post – and for the clear and effective examples of what a man who Gets It looks like. Thank you, Kerala!
And I'm sorry (but not surprised) to see how one of those who never will get it is ready to prove your point beautifully in the shitty comments below. It's remarkable how easy it is to abuse women in the name of defending natural-born patriarchal privilege. Seriously hope one of the Real Ones steps up! The time is now, dudes. 🎤
Thank you bridget, and yes, it's never fun to get comments like that, but it no longer surprises me. Comments like that really did surprise me when I first started writing! I wasn't at all prepared for the blatant misogyny... I mean maybe on Twitter/X but on serious platforms for deep thinkers? Just goes to show how firm a grip the patriarchy still holds on all of us.
Absolutely. And how free so many people feel to express hateful, misogynist intent just because they disagree.
WOW. This makes me examine my responses and patterns too.
Husband #1, didn't have any intention of "getting it" he loved having power
Husband #2 is very good at trying and we're good at trying to be reciprocal in understanding and "getting it" We're getting better all the time.
Glad to hear you're having a better experience with husband #2 - best of luck! I think most of the happiest marriages I see are second marriages. While at this point, I have no intention of marrying again, I have a much clearer sense of what and who I need.
Thank you for writing this. As someone that also considers themselves a feminist I appreciate how you have made me think.
The challenge is indeed how to raise one! My husband is one, but he was not raised by a man who was. So it wasn’t modelled to him - yet he somehow ended up here. Why!!! How!!! Our son will have the modelling, which is powerful of course, but is that enough? I don’t know! I really want to know!
I also married a man who thought he Got It, and I agreed, only to realize how thoroughly he didn’t Get It when he left me. This is why I refuse to even look for a new partner. I’m taking care of my children and myself. Why would I want to add a man to my responsibilities when he wouldn’t even understand the concept of adding to his?!
I feel you. I may feel an appetite for dating at some point, but I don’t plan to ever marry or cohabitate with a man ever again. I have so much more emotional bandwidth now, and I intend to keep it!
This is perfectly said 👏
“ The challenge is in figuring out how to breed more.” This strikes me as wrong. Raise boys to recognize that if they want a partner, they should really get it, but also to recognize that it is okay not to be partnered, or to decide that you don’t want to be partnered because your life is richer without a partner
I meant "breed" in the sense of "to take care of and teach a child who is growing up." I'm in no way advocating that everyone should be partnered -- I'm about to be officially unpartnered and am thoroughly enjoying myself!
🎯
It’s so insane how much of the way women describe men who get it is men who are forced into not being themselves.
Fabulous article. I’d love any resource recommendations for how to ‘breed more men who get it’
As a solo mom to two boys, this a major question on my mind
That was a great read, thank you. I have, and always will have, blind spots in these areas. There is quite a lot to untangle whenever we try to work out what equity, division of labor and responsibility, values and expectations look like in a relationship.
I have never said nor thought that my work outside the home was more important, yet I regularly get accused of it due to misquotes and projection. It is a precarious thing to defend oneself without unwittingly convincing your spouse that their wrong conclusions were actually correct.
My spouse has been stay at home for all but the first few of our thirty five years together. The first five at home years were before children. We (she) homeschooled our kids because the public school was a poor fit for the kids and it was doing as much harm as good. She did an amazing job. I wanted to participate more in that but, even in the subjects I am strong in, my style was not appreciated by the kids or my wife. I was also away at work and commuting during those years for all of the prime schooling hours, so there wasn't a lot of choice.
For reasons I won't go into in a public forum, I am not great with children in general, and this was made clear before we had children. Unfair, or not? Who's to judge that? I have always made a concerted effort to pick up that slack in other ways. There is a debateable level if equity in that kind of relationship, where ideally our participation is actively chosen according to our individual and relative strengths and weaknesses, availability, wants and needs. Nothing should just be passively dumped on one partner.
I would likely dig myself into a hole if I provided a list of the things I do almost exclusively and those that I share almost equally, like John did here, but I also am smart enough to know that that is humbly the least I could do and like another reader commented, I don't see why he was so angry. Oh, yeah, he really doesn't get it. I think I do, but inevitably there will be times when I stand corrected.
With only one partner working outside the home, while it is not more important than any of the other partner's contributions, it is still a critical part of the formula that makes it all possible and sometimes compromises are a necessary part of preserving income and future security. I was not home when most of the child rearing went on, and my wife had no exposure to numbing bureaucracy, endless inequities, inept management and lack of privacy that was part of my cubicled job in a large government agency. The job had its rewards, and I was very good at it, and it was the biggest thing I could do for the family. Most of your readers may disagree, but I think there is some (usually unspoken and/or unrecognized) balance of neither spouse truly appreciating the efforts and the weight of responsibilty of the other in their respective role.
If I worked late, it was always a combination of devotion to the job's mission, preservation of the family's security and simply a requirement of the job. It was never about avoiding anything at home nor was there ever any sense of greater importance.
I will strive to continue applying fairness, empathy and compassion in my partnership. New challenges arise all the time, like resentment at my increased presence since I recently retired. I think I've said more than enough - sorry it is so long.
What a gift. Thank you from my whole heart for writing this🔥🖤