I so wish I included my last name for my kids. It is such a slap that they bear his name. They never see him. He doesn’t support them. We need to talk about this more.
I agree! I'm also frustrated that both my kids' first names sound so much better paired with his last name because we took that into consideration when choosing them. I think I'll ultimately leave it up to them, but it is a slap in the face for women who do the bulk, or all, of the childrearing to have kids whose last names honor the absent father.
I had a family name. I married a "my way or the hiway" kind of guy and took his name for a multitude of years. Divorce then I buried that name in an unmarked grave, running back to the original as soon as possible. All the credit cares, drivers license, passport, college record, on and on and on - it is worth it to feel a coming home.
This is lovely. I’m recently divorced from my second husband and this will be my third and last time changing my name. After my first divorce I didn’t want to go back to my father’s name because a) I didn’t like him and b) it was Dutch and nobody ever pronounced or spelled it correctly. So I took an entirely new surname that I loved (and everyone could pronounce and spell). I’m returning to that name permanently now. It’s good to be me again.
It's been surprising to me which of my friends changed their last names when they got married; it wasn't always the ones I expected to, regardless of whether they had kids. Even my sister, which especially surprised me — we grew up in a liberal, not very traditional family, she never wanted kids, and she got married in her early 50s. Her current last name is easier to spell, but it's more ordinary.
I've always wondered what we do with kids, and my answer is of course they should take their mother's last name! I know, it's not that simple. And yes, the last name I have — and did not change when I got married — was my father's, but I had it all my life till I got married, so it would have felt weird to change it.
There are so many issues with how we do this. Thanks for calling them out.
Yes, I also watched with interest when so many of my friends were getting married. I imagine some folks were surprised that I changed my own last name. It's also been interesting to see who changes theirs back after divorce!
You covered a lot of the bases surrounding our names. Maybe some others involve having more than the western tradition of 3 names - perhaps 4 or 5 or 6 or more. Maybe we honor all 4 grandparents' surnames, or their first names. Or, even our 8 great-grandparents names. I think we are rather well defined by who our 8 great grandparents were. I like knowing their names, when they were born and died, and where, what they did in their lifetimes - perhaps a story or two. And did any of them ever daydream of me, three generations later?
Some societies are satisfied with one name - or we just bend to government rules requiring two, at birth, then change later if we desire.
Still totally odd to me that the vast majority of us simply continue with the name we never chose or even had a vote. And even if we hear from parents a bizarre story about how they chose our name, we still keep it! And, as noted by you, we think of so many irrelevant excuses for not changing our name(s) to something we would prefer more.
Plus, there is no law that prevents us from using whatever name we want, so long as no fraud is going on. And yet, the 'law' in the form of rules and documentation required by the government entities we cannot escape, force us to 'fill in the blanks' with a 'legally-based' name(s). So much for 'freedom'!
For you, I favor keeping the 'Pine' idea, and adding it in creatively. It seems to be a part of your soul. And soul should prevail.
Love all your ruminations. I remember feeling jealous of some kids growing up who had multiple middle names and enjoyed rattling off their full names upon demand. As someone who has had to do a lot of explaining around my first name, I've sometimes jokingly cursed my parents, but ultimately I can't imagine changing it!
I struggled with this decision going into my second marriage, having already been through two name changes with my first marriage and divorce. I chose to take my second husband‘s last name only because we planned to have kids, and I didn’t want to be that person with the rogue last name. But we have struggled with infertility and might not have kids at all, and even after five years I don’t really feel ownership of my new name. Do I change it back, even though I’m still married? And even though I’ve built my writing platform on my new married name? Can I endure all that hassle again? It nearly broke me the third time around. And why is this one more issue that women almost uniquely have to deal with?!
My mum kept her maiden name when she married in the 1960s because she was already a successful lawyer and know by her maiden name. It never occurred to me that she had a different name to me growing up. She kept the ‘Miss’ as well, even though she’s now in her mid 80s and has been married three times.
This stressed me out when I got married! Both for patriarchal and pen name reasons. But I ultimately went with changing my name so we would be a family unit, turning my maiden name into a second middle name, and my kids also share that same second middle name with me.
I'm so happy for you! This is such a personal choice based on a variety of factors. I ended up keeping my married name for a few reasons (that I also wrote about), but what I love is that we get to have this conversation at all - that we are able to get divorced and decide who we are and what name works best for us.
I would never change my last name for any man's last name. Why would I do that? I don't know many men (none, really) who would change their last name to take their wife's last name. I am bot any man's possession. Where I am from it's very common for women to keep their last name after marriage but their children have the mother and fathers name.
I don't personally know any hetero couples in which the man has taken the women's last name. I'm sure it's been done, but it's far from common. I'm curious how it works for the kids to have both parents' names? Does each generation end up with longer and longer names?
Kerala, I believe you are a famous writer! And, in any case, you have many years to publish even more things. Where can we read those first two novels?
Aw, that's so sweet. Thank you! The first novel is available online, though I'm sorry to say I think you can only buy it on Amazon. (https://www.amazon.com/How-Things-Break-Kerala-Goodkin/dp/1932418148) The second novel is in a box in my storage closet! I haven't read either in years, I'm really not sure how they might hold up. I've realized memoir/nonfiction is more my jam.
Well I do like your writing. Aside from the form, or the way words are put together, when someone is willing to say the hard things, that nearly always appeals to me. I read a lot of different things (different moods guide that, of course) but honesty, self awareness, vulnerability, unique perspectives… that kind of thing… it’s very welcome.
My husband and I (hippie Bay Area types) decided to split the difference. Everyone in our family has only one legal last name, but our older child has my husband's family name and the younger one has mine. It has its own complexities but it's worked pretty well for us so far. ❤️
I do like that solution for families with an even number of kids, and I'm glad it's working well for you. Yay for hippie Bay Area types! Those are my roots. :)
We know one family who's done the same thing with three kids. Their "solution rule" was shaped by the genders of the first two - as it fell out, girls got Dad's surname and boys got Mom's. Have also met a family who just alternated 😅
I so wish I included my last name for my kids. It is such a slap that they bear his name. They never see him. He doesn’t support them. We need to talk about this more.
It made my kids sad that we didn't have the same last name anymore. But nothing will ever change the fact that I am their mother.
I agree! I'm also frustrated that both my kids' first names sound so much better paired with his last name because we took that into consideration when choosing them. I think I'll ultimately leave it up to them, but it is a slap in the face for women who do the bulk, or all, of the childrearing to have kids whose last names honor the absent father.
You write so well! You are a writer!
I had a family name. I married a "my way or the hiway" kind of guy and took his name for a multitude of years. Divorce then I buried that name in an unmarked grave, running back to the original as soon as possible. All the credit cares, drivers license, passport, college record, on and on and on - it is worth it to feel a coming home.
Thank you! I feel you, I'm trying to blow through this long list of bureaucratic crap as fast as possible. I'm anxious to come home!
This is lovely. I’m recently divorced from my second husband and this will be my third and last time changing my name. After my first divorce I didn’t want to go back to my father’s name because a) I didn’t like him and b) it was Dutch and nobody ever pronounced or spelled it correctly. So I took an entirely new surname that I loved (and everyone could pronounce and spell). I’m returning to that name permanently now. It’s good to be me again.
Woot woot, congrats! 🎉
It feels surprisingly good to reclaim one’s name. Congrats!
Look at those curly cues in that G!
You have a great last name!
It's been surprising to me which of my friends changed their last names when they got married; it wasn't always the ones I expected to, regardless of whether they had kids. Even my sister, which especially surprised me — we grew up in a liberal, not very traditional family, she never wanted kids, and she got married in her early 50s. Her current last name is easier to spell, but it's more ordinary.
I've always wondered what we do with kids, and my answer is of course they should take their mother's last name! I know, it's not that simple. And yes, the last name I have — and did not change when I got married — was my father's, but I had it all my life till I got married, so it would have felt weird to change it.
There are so many issues with how we do this. Thanks for calling them out.
Yes, I also watched with interest when so many of my friends were getting married. I imagine some folks were surprised that I changed my own last name. It's also been interesting to see who changes theirs back after divorce!
Loving that G!
You covered a lot of the bases surrounding our names. Maybe some others involve having more than the western tradition of 3 names - perhaps 4 or 5 or 6 or more. Maybe we honor all 4 grandparents' surnames, or their first names. Or, even our 8 great-grandparents names. I think we are rather well defined by who our 8 great grandparents were. I like knowing their names, when they were born and died, and where, what they did in their lifetimes - perhaps a story or two. And did any of them ever daydream of me, three generations later?
Some societies are satisfied with one name - or we just bend to government rules requiring two, at birth, then change later if we desire.
Still totally odd to me that the vast majority of us simply continue with the name we never chose or even had a vote. And even if we hear from parents a bizarre story about how they chose our name, we still keep it! And, as noted by you, we think of so many irrelevant excuses for not changing our name(s) to something we would prefer more.
Plus, there is no law that prevents us from using whatever name we want, so long as no fraud is going on. And yet, the 'law' in the form of rules and documentation required by the government entities we cannot escape, force us to 'fill in the blanks' with a 'legally-based' name(s). So much for 'freedom'!
For you, I favor keeping the 'Pine' idea, and adding it in creatively. It seems to be a part of your soul. And soul should prevail.
Love all your ruminations. I remember feeling jealous of some kids growing up who had multiple middle names and enjoyed rattling off their full names upon demand. As someone who has had to do a lot of explaining around my first name, I've sometimes jokingly cursed my parents, but ultimately I can't imagine changing it!
I struggled with this decision going into my second marriage, having already been through two name changes with my first marriage and divorce. I chose to take my second husband‘s last name only because we planned to have kids, and I didn’t want to be that person with the rogue last name. But we have struggled with infertility and might not have kids at all, and even after five years I don’t really feel ownership of my new name. Do I change it back, even though I’m still married? And even though I’ve built my writing platform on my new married name? Can I endure all that hassle again? It nearly broke me the third time around. And why is this one more issue that women almost uniquely have to deal with?!
My mum kept her maiden name when she married in the 1960s because she was already a successful lawyer and know by her maiden name. It never occurred to me that she had a different name to me growing up. She kept the ‘Miss’ as well, even though she’s now in her mid 80s and has been married three times.
This stressed me out when I got married! Both for patriarchal and pen name reasons. But I ultimately went with changing my name so we would be a family unit, turning my maiden name into a second middle name, and my kids also share that same second middle name with me.
I'm so happy for you! This is such a personal choice based on a variety of factors. I ended up keeping my married name for a few reasons (that I also wrote about), but what I love is that we get to have this conversation at all - that we are able to get divorced and decide who we are and what name works best for us.
I would never change my last name for any man's last name. Why would I do that? I don't know many men (none, really) who would change their last name to take their wife's last name. I am bot any man's possession. Where I am from it's very common for women to keep their last name after marriage but their children have the mother and fathers name.
I don't personally know any hetero couples in which the man has taken the women's last name. I'm sure it's been done, but it's far from common. I'm curious how it works for the kids to have both parents' names? Does each generation end up with longer and longer names?
Love! Love love love
❤️
Kerala, I believe you are a famous writer! And, in any case, you have many years to publish even more things. Where can we read those first two novels?
Aw, that's so sweet. Thank you! The first novel is available online, though I'm sorry to say I think you can only buy it on Amazon. (https://www.amazon.com/How-Things-Break-Kerala-Goodkin/dp/1932418148) The second novel is in a box in my storage closet! I haven't read either in years, I'm really not sure how they might hold up. I've realized memoir/nonfiction is more my jam.
Well I do like your writing. Aside from the form, or the way words are put together, when someone is willing to say the hard things, that nearly always appeals to me. I read a lot of different things (different moods guide that, of course) but honesty, self awareness, vulnerability, unique perspectives… that kind of thing… it’s very welcome.
My husband and I (hippie Bay Area types) decided to split the difference. Everyone in our family has only one legal last name, but our older child has my husband's family name and the younger one has mine. It has its own complexities but it's worked pretty well for us so far. ❤️
I do like that solution for families with an even number of kids, and I'm glad it's working well for you. Yay for hippie Bay Area types! Those are my roots. :)
We know one family who's done the same thing with three kids. Their "solution rule" was shaped by the genders of the first two - as it fell out, girls got Dad's surname and boys got Mom's. Have also met a family who just alternated 😅
Woot! Congrats on having your name back!