I left my ex about 6 months ago, and I am mostly thriving. It is a lot messy and a lot of heartaches. But I feel lighter, because his needs are no longer my burden. I no longer have to be his therapist, mom, coach, wife, parent, nag, etc. My daughter and I are thriving in freedom and happiness without him (weaponized incompetence and weaponized grouchiness, the usual) - so yeah I agree with everything you say about single moms being liberated, no longer having to fight patriarchy out in the world AND in your own home. I no longer have to justify daddy's behavior to my daughter because it really wasn't acceptable to be the absentee parent. And I'm showing her a better way to life and that she doesn't have to carry that burden of another man.
I get a taste of both worlds on a revolving basis - my spouse works away from home on 2 week rotations (going on almost 14 years now). More and more, I’m recognizing the higher care burden placed on me when he’s at home. My brain and physical home spaces are more cluttered, I have to talk more, I have less alone time, etc. Until recently, I haven’t really been able to articulate the dissonance between my two experiences, but I think you just did! 🙌🏻
Yes, it took me a long time to articulate as well. Honestly, a lot of women I talk to who have had long, "successful" marriages say that they attribute a lot of that success to their husbands being gone a lot. Hmmmm... 🤔
I loved how your article ends on a joyful note. My son is only four and half months but in truth, my household is joyful. It’s just the two of us, and a lot of dancing laughter and quiet moments shared playing, talking reading. Of course the mental load is huge and I have a never ending to do list, but it’s all executed peacefully. Or in a very quiet semi panic 🤣
Quiet semi panic... I can relate to that! Such a whirlwind of emotions of course, but I have definitely felt more joyful more often in the last year. Glad you can relate!
Bang on! When my sister and her husband separated, their child was a toddler. I remember asking her if she missed him terribly when he was with his father. She said “yes, but I have the whole weekend to myself and no one to argue with!”
What a revelation!
“Staring at the face of the patriarchy over the dinner table” was my life. Walking on eggshells was my life.
My son was a teen when we finally separated, but he told me I was a much more relaxed mother after that.
Not having to hold your breath waiting to see if someone is going to yell (as they do) was frankly liberating.
Sounds like we have very parallel stories. Even though my kids have seen their dad for just a handful of weekends this past year, it’s more time I’ve had to myself than I’ve had in the last 12 years!
Your story makes a lot of sense to me, and I wanted to copy and restack almost every line! I grew up with a single (widowed) mom who, understandably, resented and hated her situation. Many of her couple friends felt too awkward to continue being her friend after my dad died, and her single mom friends often had jerky boyfriends in and out of the picture, and she never felt like she had enough time or money. I think that says a lot more about societal expectations and structures (especially in the 80s in a conservative suburb) than it does about single parenting itself.
For myself, I can very much identify with the idea that having an entitled, grouchy man who won't make his own doctor's appointments in the house is much worse than being single. I haven't been able to figure out how to be financially independent though.
Yes, the financial piece is so hard. Very few couples, even solidly middle class couples, can actually afford to get divorced and still be financially stable. I’m going to end up owing my soon-to-be ex a lot more money than I actually have. I’ll be kind of starting at financial ground zero after 20 years of working to get us to a stable place. That sucks big-time, but for me, the trade-off is worth it. Best of luck on your journey!
This. Is. Amazing. I have so many friend I want to send it to. I’m a married mom so this was super informative for me. And it will definitely change how I think and talk about the single moms in my life.
I remember my four years as a single mom as one big exhausted blur. I thought I would die, both from over-work and from the stress and pain of the divorce. I never got enough sleep, never had enough money and never got all the household duties done. When I remarried, having another adult and wage earner in the house came as an enormous relief.
That does not sound fun at all. For my part, I'll be very happy to be on the other side of my divorce, as that's essentially a part-time job that I have to fit in with everything else. And I absolutely miss having another adult in the house sometimes who can help drive the kids all over creation to their various sports practices/games. That's been the most exhausting part for me. So there are trade-offs to be sure! As I talked about a bit in the story, I also think solo depends so much on the community/support network you have at your disposal. I often wish mine were stronger, but I'm working hard to keep building it and will throw myself even more into this when my divorce is finalized.
You make important points here. If there are two willing co parents and adequate child support it can help, tho child support is by no means enough to meet a child’s needs. Financial capacity will create conditions for independence. Not every mother has liquid resources that allow time for a higher quality of life to unfold. When we do, it does. Time is a commodity that liberates us from domestic labor. If our time is spent navigating systems in order to remain stable, it doesn’t feel liberating. We are in survival mode.
Disability and the need to navigate a higher level of care consumes an exponential increase in the amount time and energy devoted to parenting as well. It becomes overwhelming and exhausting to secure medically necessary care.
That said, parenting is so much easier emotionally without an abusive partner or co-parent. I was relieved most days not to have anyone draining my time, resources, or undermining my parenting. The feeling of being beholden to no one is priceless. To have full autonomy making decisions is empowering.
Intersectional factors can have a big impact on capacity. Access to support systems and care networks are essential to avoid burnout. When you are truly the only person available, there are only so many hours in a day to do all of the things. Crisis and disability requires adding in as much support to build out that network of care as possible. Waitlists can be deep for respite care, medical assessments, + referrals to programs that help families thrive by providing practical ways to relieve a parent who is also a full time caregiver.
The fact that there often is no other option but to keep going does not make us martyrs, but we are more susceptible to stress induced illnesses. What if your own body is disabled as well? A lot of what we can control at full capacity becomes physically too difficult to maintain. Ableism doesn’t always factor these realities into parenting in bodies that require(and are entitled to by law) reasonable accommodations that help us to be successful in settings that aren’t designed for us in mind. It’s easy to flow through those spaces and systems with full health.
My son’s providers have literally said, “Your efforts are heroic.” I was not expecting that, but I’ll take it because we have lived through situations we did not choose that could have broken us. His providers often said they did not know how I was still able to show up advocating so fiercely and that some parents don’t. A mental health evaluator said during a visit to the ER when my son was suicidal and self harming, “You have broken down every door that was a barrier to care.”
Everyday heroes are not glorified as saintly martyrs or super humans in costume. We keep showing up for ourselves and each other. Across disciplines. There is no minimizing the sheer grit it takes to keep existing.
I’ve been telling my son, and before that students, about everyday heroes as ordinary people all the time. His providers. teachers, my mama friends he can trust in an emergency, people with various jobs in our communities, other survivors, are heroic in the ways they represent humanity in tangible ways, with prosocial behaviors that model what good people are capable of. Young people need that.
We need it from each other as adults as well. Let’s lift each other up. 🫀
Beautifully said, and thank you for sharing some of your remarkable story. ❤️ There is no doubt that we need better systemic and structural support for single parents, and that more support would in turn help partnered parents as well. In the meantime, let's stop promoting marriage as The Solution and figure out how we can all lift each other up, regardless of our relationship status.
This is GOLDEN! The entitled patriarchy within our homes. No one wants to be the Martyr or the Nag seething and biting tongues. No one wants to shrink.
As mothers, we barter for the well being of our children or the overall unit. And many times, it leads to those undesirable roles that our spirits don't identify with.
Communal parenting is absolutely necessary, and we are so far from it as a society. I identify with the false journey to success as independent and thousands of miles away.
Love reading about the peace and expansion when you retreat home - sharing these stories will rewrite the tales of victim and hated. I believe children, in the long run, benefit from peaceful individuals that are fulfilled outside of their parenting roles. Big Exhales for all.
I left my ex about 6 months ago, and I am mostly thriving. It is a lot messy and a lot of heartaches. But I feel lighter, because his needs are no longer my burden. I no longer have to be his therapist, mom, coach, wife, parent, nag, etc. My daughter and I are thriving in freedom and happiness without him (weaponized incompetence and weaponized grouchiness, the usual) - so yeah I agree with everything you say about single moms being liberated, no longer having to fight patriarchy out in the world AND in your own home. I no longer have to justify daddy's behavior to my daughter because it really wasn't acceptable to be the absentee parent. And I'm showing her a better way to life and that she doesn't have to carry that burden of another man.
I think we have very similar stories, and I'm so happy you've found ways to thrive amidst the inevitable challenges!
I get a taste of both worlds on a revolving basis - my spouse works away from home on 2 week rotations (going on almost 14 years now). More and more, I’m recognizing the higher care burden placed on me when he’s at home. My brain and physical home spaces are more cluttered, I have to talk more, I have less alone time, etc. Until recently, I haven’t really been able to articulate the dissonance between my two experiences, but I think you just did! 🙌🏻
Yes, it took me a long time to articulate as well. Honestly, a lot of women I talk to who have had long, "successful" marriages say that they attribute a lot of that success to their husbands being gone a lot. Hmmmm... 🤔
I loved how your article ends on a joyful note. My son is only four and half months but in truth, my household is joyful. It’s just the two of us, and a lot of dancing laughter and quiet moments shared playing, talking reading. Of course the mental load is huge and I have a never ending to do list, but it’s all executed peacefully. Or in a very quiet semi panic 🤣
Quiet semi panic... I can relate to that! Such a whirlwind of emotions of course, but I have definitely felt more joyful more often in the last year. Glad you can relate!
Bang on! When my sister and her husband separated, their child was a toddler. I remember asking her if she missed him terribly when he was with his father. She said “yes, but I have the whole weekend to myself and no one to argue with!”
What a revelation!
“Staring at the face of the patriarchy over the dinner table” was my life. Walking on eggshells was my life.
My son was a teen when we finally separated, but he told me I was a much more relaxed mother after that.
Not having to hold your breath waiting to see if someone is going to yell (as they do) was frankly liberating.
Sounds like we have very parallel stories. Even though my kids have seen their dad for just a handful of weekends this past year, it’s more time I’ve had to myself than I’ve had in the last 12 years!
Your story makes a lot of sense to me, and I wanted to copy and restack almost every line! I grew up with a single (widowed) mom who, understandably, resented and hated her situation. Many of her couple friends felt too awkward to continue being her friend after my dad died, and her single mom friends often had jerky boyfriends in and out of the picture, and she never felt like she had enough time or money. I think that says a lot more about societal expectations and structures (especially in the 80s in a conservative suburb) than it does about single parenting itself.
For myself, I can very much identify with the idea that having an entitled, grouchy man who won't make his own doctor's appointments in the house is much worse than being single. I haven't been able to figure out how to be financially independent though.
Yes, the financial piece is so hard. Very few couples, even solidly middle class couples, can actually afford to get divorced and still be financially stable. I’m going to end up owing my soon-to-be ex a lot more money than I actually have. I’ll be kind of starting at financial ground zero after 20 years of working to get us to a stable place. That sucks big-time, but for me, the trade-off is worth it. Best of luck on your journey!
This. Is. Amazing. I have so many friend I want to send it to. I’m a married mom so this was super informative for me. And it will definitely change how I think and talk about the single moms in my life.
Oh I love every word of this 💜 thank you for working to dismantle patriarchal stereotypes.
I haven’t finished reading but just first few paragraphs: IMMEDIATELY YES. I keep on saying I live in a very peaceful environment. Ok, let me read on.
I remember my four years as a single mom as one big exhausted blur. I thought I would die, both from over-work and from the stress and pain of the divorce. I never got enough sleep, never had enough money and never got all the household duties done. When I remarried, having another adult and wage earner in the house came as an enormous relief.
For me, I was definitely not better off solo.
That does not sound fun at all. For my part, I'll be very happy to be on the other side of my divorce, as that's essentially a part-time job that I have to fit in with everything else. And I absolutely miss having another adult in the house sometimes who can help drive the kids all over creation to their various sports practices/games. That's been the most exhausting part for me. So there are trade-offs to be sure! As I talked about a bit in the story, I also think solo depends so much on the community/support network you have at your disposal. I often wish mine were stronger, but I'm working hard to keep building it and will throw myself even more into this when my divorce is finalized.
You make important points here. If there are two willing co parents and adequate child support it can help, tho child support is by no means enough to meet a child’s needs. Financial capacity will create conditions for independence. Not every mother has liquid resources that allow time for a higher quality of life to unfold. When we do, it does. Time is a commodity that liberates us from domestic labor. If our time is spent navigating systems in order to remain stable, it doesn’t feel liberating. We are in survival mode.
Disability and the need to navigate a higher level of care consumes an exponential increase in the amount time and energy devoted to parenting as well. It becomes overwhelming and exhausting to secure medically necessary care.
That said, parenting is so much easier emotionally without an abusive partner or co-parent. I was relieved most days not to have anyone draining my time, resources, or undermining my parenting. The feeling of being beholden to no one is priceless. To have full autonomy making decisions is empowering.
Intersectional factors can have a big impact on capacity. Access to support systems and care networks are essential to avoid burnout. When you are truly the only person available, there are only so many hours in a day to do all of the things. Crisis and disability requires adding in as much support to build out that network of care as possible. Waitlists can be deep for respite care, medical assessments, + referrals to programs that help families thrive by providing practical ways to relieve a parent who is also a full time caregiver.
The fact that there often is no other option but to keep going does not make us martyrs, but we are more susceptible to stress induced illnesses. What if your own body is disabled as well? A lot of what we can control at full capacity becomes physically too difficult to maintain. Ableism doesn’t always factor these realities into parenting in bodies that require(and are entitled to by law) reasonable accommodations that help us to be successful in settings that aren’t designed for us in mind. It’s easy to flow through those spaces and systems with full health.
My son’s providers have literally said, “Your efforts are heroic.” I was not expecting that, but I’ll take it because we have lived through situations we did not choose that could have broken us. His providers often said they did not know how I was still able to show up advocating so fiercely and that some parents don’t. A mental health evaluator said during a visit to the ER when my son was suicidal and self harming, “You have broken down every door that was a barrier to care.”
Everyday heroes are not glorified as saintly martyrs or super humans in costume. We keep showing up for ourselves and each other. Across disciplines. There is no minimizing the sheer grit it takes to keep existing.
I’ve been telling my son, and before that students, about everyday heroes as ordinary people all the time. His providers. teachers, my mama friends he can trust in an emergency, people with various jobs in our communities, other survivors, are heroic in the ways they represent humanity in tangible ways, with prosocial behaviors that model what good people are capable of. Young people need that.
We need it from each other as adults as well. Let’s lift each other up. 🫀
Beautifully said, and thank you for sharing some of your remarkable story. ❤️ There is no doubt that we need better systemic and structural support for single parents, and that more support would in turn help partnered parents as well. In the meantime, let's stop promoting marriage as The Solution and figure out how we can all lift each other up, regardless of our relationship status.
This is GOLDEN! The entitled patriarchy within our homes. No one wants to be the Martyr or the Nag seething and biting tongues. No one wants to shrink.
As mothers, we barter for the well being of our children or the overall unit. And many times, it leads to those undesirable roles that our spirits don't identify with.
Communal parenting is absolutely necessary, and we are so far from it as a society. I identify with the false journey to success as independent and thousands of miles away.
Love reading about the peace and expansion when you retreat home - sharing these stories will rewrite the tales of victim and hated. I believe children, in the long run, benefit from peaceful individuals that are fulfilled outside of their parenting roles. Big Exhales for all.