Hi Kerala, what a refreshing read! Just last Saturday, during a family gathering for my dad's side, a woman who lives in the area we were visiting stopped by to say hi to my mom and me - and to meet my family.
Once she was introduced to all five of my kids and my husband Ben, she said, "This is your husband who watches the kids for four days so you can go to the scrap booking retreat?" (Context: the scrap booking retreat is how my mom and I know this woman, because we all attend the same one every year.)
Taken aback, I nervously laughed. She then said, "This man is a saint! Truly, a saint!"
At the time, I felt funny about this but didn't have time to process it fully. When I got home, it occurred to me: why was Ben the "saint" for "watching" our five kids for four days once a year so I can get a reprieve from the incessant laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, child care, and invisible/mental labor that accompanies scheduling, health care, education, etc.?
Don't we share these kids AND the responsibilities that accompany raising them? I recognized her comment, while unintentional, as a small but significant nod to traditional domestic rules and roles and the expectations that go along with these assumptions.
The problem is, NO ONE CORRECTED HER. NOT EVEN ME. I wasn't sure how to respond in the moment. I don't think quickly on my feet. But what hurts is that my husband beamed with pride, unfazed. I chose to let it go.
But these incidents add up. They compound the pressure I feel every day to perform this absurd ideal of wife and mother. I am still unspooling the layers of how these types of encounters and comments have adversely affected my life.
This is such a fitting story. I don't think well on my feet either, and I have definitely let a lot of comments pass that made me uncomfortable in the moment. Like all of us, I'm a work in progress. The more aware I am of these types of comments, the more I can prepare potential responses in advance. Also, sometimes we can let things go without beating ourselves up about it!
So true! I am learning to let more things go. As I get older, that’s becoming easier for me to do. Thank you so much for what you wrote here. It was refreshing and helpful.
This is such an insightful post and is very much appreciated. My four kids are adults now, but when I was taking on all the emotional labor of running a household with school-aged kids while simultaneously supporting my ex-husband through his Masters and Doctorate degrees, I didn't have the vocabulary to describe the overwhelm and constant sense of failure I felt. It's so important to name the inequalities in order to create a more equal playing field. Thank you for giving words to what so many of us feel or have felt in our child-rearing days.
Yes, I didn't even know what "emotional labor" was until about six years ago. Being able to name it absolutely helped me to better understand and frame my stress!
This is really well articulated. I have witnessed my own mother holding my sister in law accountable for the state of her kids teeth, I pointed out that my brother should also be shouldering red for this.
I think a lot is passed down from the older generation of woman who were so suppressed and had these fixed roles and fulfilled them because it seemed the only way.
I have told the admin and my sons new school to relay messages as if my husband and I are separated as I am sick of being the in between and the one in charge of reminding him of things.
That's great you told the admin that AND it's so ridiculous that they have to think of you as separated in order to hold the dad accountable for any school-related communications!
Lots of good insights here, thank you! A micro-observation I had the other day: I held a door for a woman (and her child). She looked not at me, no acknowledgement whatsoever. Directly behind me, a man had opened a different door (to walk into the building, and stepped aside to allow her to pass) and she “thanked him very much.”
Maybe she merely zoned out for our (lack of an) interaction and woke up for theirs? Couldn’t help but feel butt hurt and annoyed. Why do we expect service from other women, possibly to the point of complete lack of gratitude, but polish on the pleasantries to a man for the same act?
Yes, well put! Men are constantly celebrated for performing acts of service that are simply expected of women. In my favorite episode of Blackish, the dad brings store-bought cupcakes to school for his kid's birthday, and all the mothers fawn over him. His wife later tells him that if she did that, the same mothers would talk shit about her for bringing store-bought cupcakes instead of baking her own from scratch.
Thank you for articulating these thoughts! No matter how often I confront my internal biases and assumptions around "the domestic, emotional, and mental labor of caregiving," I never seem to be able to fully eradicate the knee-jerk "women's work" label.
This is especially demoralizing because I have so many real-life experiences that contradict the idea of that aforementioned labor being exclusively "women's work." When I was growing up, my father was at home taking care of the kids. He took care of lunches and dinners, stayed on top of school assignments and conferences, and did endless loads of laundry. I think he was profoundly lonely—this was an era when the idea of "the dad" staying home was practically unheard of.
When I had my own kids (in a politically liberal college town), my primary-caregiver playgroup was about a 60/40 mix of women and men. And yet! I still find myself, in new parent-centric social situations, reaching out to and conversing exclusively with other moms. My text chains are all with other moms. My scheduling efforts are all with other moms. My commiseration is all with other moms.
Granted, I live in a much more conservative and religious area now, but why are *my* assumptions still rooted in this women-are-caregivers mentality? It's so unhappily pervasive, and I appreciate your writing about it!
Thank you for so vividly elucidating what invisible labor actually looks like. Of course the examples are infinite, but the mom text chains/“friend management” role is one that has always particularly irked me. Like the time my son had a playdate, and in a rare occurrence, it was the corresponding dads doing pick-up/drop-up & supervision. That being the case, you would think the dads could have communicated directly with each other to say “hey, what time works for you?” and “oops, we’re running a little late” and “can Timmy bring his bathing suit?” and so on…but no, the mom and I texted back and forth the entire afternoon like the PAs of two execs, and neither of us felt we had the permission (?) to say umm, can the dads just communicate with each other directly, cause that makes a hell of a lot more sense.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling example (which is one variation of many instances like this). But the point is that this type of “little” stuff (not to mention much “bigger” stuff) adds up to a daily existence riddled with incessant distractions and tedium that really sucks the life out of you.
I research Mother’s Day and how it is commemorated in schools. Many people I speak with acknowledge the extra work and expectations that school-based Mother’s Day activities place on mothers who feel pressured to attend school events and wotnot. I’d be interested to know your views on this issue!
Interesting! My kids' schools has not asked for participation in Mother's Day activities, but any time they ask for participation in any activity during the workday, I feel a lot of frustration and guilt. I either feel like I'm letting down my coworkers or letting down my kids. I also think Mother's Day in general has become more about retail companies making money and paying shallow lip service to mothers while continuing to deny us basic social supports. Suffice to say, I'm not a big fan!
It’s such a complex issue. Even the mothers I talk to who enjoy the day still feel ultimately ripped off by the amount of work they’re required to do to make it happen! The guilt is real and you’re not the only one who feels it!
That's great for your kids. I think that us pointing out these behaviors, even when we're the ones engaging in the behavior, can at least help our kids think critically about them!
Hi Kerala, what a refreshing read! Just last Saturday, during a family gathering for my dad's side, a woman who lives in the area we were visiting stopped by to say hi to my mom and me - and to meet my family.
Once she was introduced to all five of my kids and my husband Ben, she said, "This is your husband who watches the kids for four days so you can go to the scrap booking retreat?" (Context: the scrap booking retreat is how my mom and I know this woman, because we all attend the same one every year.)
Taken aback, I nervously laughed. She then said, "This man is a saint! Truly, a saint!"
At the time, I felt funny about this but didn't have time to process it fully. When I got home, it occurred to me: why was Ben the "saint" for "watching" our five kids for four days once a year so I can get a reprieve from the incessant laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, child care, and invisible/mental labor that accompanies scheduling, health care, education, etc.?
Don't we share these kids AND the responsibilities that accompany raising them? I recognized her comment, while unintentional, as a small but significant nod to traditional domestic rules and roles and the expectations that go along with these assumptions.
The problem is, NO ONE CORRECTED HER. NOT EVEN ME. I wasn't sure how to respond in the moment. I don't think quickly on my feet. But what hurts is that my husband beamed with pride, unfazed. I chose to let it go.
But these incidents add up. They compound the pressure I feel every day to perform this absurd ideal of wife and mother. I am still unspooling the layers of how these types of encounters and comments have adversely affected my life.
This is such a fitting story. I don't think well on my feet either, and I have definitely let a lot of comments pass that made me uncomfortable in the moment. Like all of us, I'm a work in progress. The more aware I am of these types of comments, the more I can prepare potential responses in advance. Also, sometimes we can let things go without beating ourselves up about it!
So true! I am learning to let more things go. As I get older, that’s becoming easier for me to do. Thank you so much for what you wrote here. It was refreshing and helpful.
This is such an insightful post and is very much appreciated. My four kids are adults now, but when I was taking on all the emotional labor of running a household with school-aged kids while simultaneously supporting my ex-husband through his Masters and Doctorate degrees, I didn't have the vocabulary to describe the overwhelm and constant sense of failure I felt. It's so important to name the inequalities in order to create a more equal playing field. Thank you for giving words to what so many of us feel or have felt in our child-rearing days.
Yes, I didn't even know what "emotional labor" was until about six years ago. Being able to name it absolutely helped me to better understand and frame my stress!
This is really well articulated. I have witnessed my own mother holding my sister in law accountable for the state of her kids teeth, I pointed out that my brother should also be shouldering red for this.
I think a lot is passed down from the older generation of woman who were so suppressed and had these fixed roles and fulfilled them because it seemed the only way.
I have told the admin and my sons new school to relay messages as if my husband and I are separated as I am sick of being the in between and the one in charge of reminding him of things.
That's great you told the admin that AND it's so ridiculous that they have to think of you as separated in order to hold the dad accountable for any school-related communications!
Lots of good insights here, thank you! A micro-observation I had the other day: I held a door for a woman (and her child). She looked not at me, no acknowledgement whatsoever. Directly behind me, a man had opened a different door (to walk into the building, and stepped aside to allow her to pass) and she “thanked him very much.”
Maybe she merely zoned out for our (lack of an) interaction and woke up for theirs? Couldn’t help but feel butt hurt and annoyed. Why do we expect service from other women, possibly to the point of complete lack of gratitude, but polish on the pleasantries to a man for the same act?
Yes, well put! Men are constantly celebrated for performing acts of service that are simply expected of women. In my favorite episode of Blackish, the dad brings store-bought cupcakes to school for his kid's birthday, and all the mothers fawn over him. His wife later tells him that if she did that, the same mothers would talk shit about her for bringing store-bought cupcakes instead of baking her own from scratch.
100%. “Having it all” often feels like “taking it all in the shorts!”
Thank you for articulating these thoughts! No matter how often I confront my internal biases and assumptions around "the domestic, emotional, and mental labor of caregiving," I never seem to be able to fully eradicate the knee-jerk "women's work" label.
This is especially demoralizing because I have so many real-life experiences that contradict the idea of that aforementioned labor being exclusively "women's work." When I was growing up, my father was at home taking care of the kids. He took care of lunches and dinners, stayed on top of school assignments and conferences, and did endless loads of laundry. I think he was profoundly lonely—this was an era when the idea of "the dad" staying home was practically unheard of.
When I had my own kids (in a politically liberal college town), my primary-caregiver playgroup was about a 60/40 mix of women and men. And yet! I still find myself, in new parent-centric social situations, reaching out to and conversing exclusively with other moms. My text chains are all with other moms. My scheduling efforts are all with other moms. My commiseration is all with other moms.
Granted, I live in a much more conservative and religious area now, but why are *my* assumptions still rooted in this women-are-caregivers mentality? It's so unhappily pervasive, and I appreciate your writing about it!
Thank you for so vividly elucidating what invisible labor actually looks like. Of course the examples are infinite, but the mom text chains/“friend management” role is one that has always particularly irked me. Like the time my son had a playdate, and in a rare occurrence, it was the corresponding dads doing pick-up/drop-up & supervision. That being the case, you would think the dads could have communicated directly with each other to say “hey, what time works for you?” and “oops, we’re running a little late” and “can Timmy bring his bathing suit?” and so on…but no, the mom and I texted back and forth the entire afternoon like the PAs of two execs, and neither of us felt we had the permission (?) to say umm, can the dads just communicate with each other directly, cause that makes a hell of a lot more sense.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling example (which is one variation of many instances like this). But the point is that this type of “little” stuff (not to mention much “bigger” stuff) adds up to a daily existence riddled with incessant distractions and tedium that really sucks the life out of you.
That's such a perfect example, I've found myself in that scenario as well!
I research Mother’s Day and how it is commemorated in schools. Many people I speak with acknowledge the extra work and expectations that school-based Mother’s Day activities place on mothers who feel pressured to attend school events and wotnot. I’d be interested to know your views on this issue!
Interesting! My kids' schools has not asked for participation in Mother's Day activities, but any time they ask for participation in any activity during the workday, I feel a lot of frustration and guilt. I either feel like I'm letting down my coworkers or letting down my kids. I also think Mother's Day in general has become more about retail companies making money and paying shallow lip service to mothers while continuing to deny us basic social supports. Suffice to say, I'm not a big fan!
It’s such a complex issue. Even the mothers I talk to who enjoy the day still feel ultimately ripped off by the amount of work they’re required to do to make it happen! The guilt is real and you’re not the only one who feels it!
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
This is so good Kerala. We need to collaborate at some point! And I was planning to share it before I even saw you quoted me :)
I'd love to collaborate!
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5qr-riOuJu/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
That's great for your kids. I think that us pointing out these behaviors, even when we're the ones engaging in the behavior, can at least help our kids think critically about them!