I’ve been a mother for 22 years now, and what struck me most is how accurately you name the slow erosion. Not burnout as a dramatic collapse, but as attrition. Drip by drip.
What looks like “normal” from the outside often feels like disappearing from the inside, especially over decades. The checklists change, the children age, the systems shift, but the expectation that mothers will absorb the excess without consequence somehow remains intact.
Reading this, I kept thinking about how many women I know who didn’t fall apart. They simply learned how to live smaller inside their own lives. You articulated something so many of us have lived without language for. Thank you for giving it words.
Another wonderful, thought provoking essay. I applaud you for being so real, talking truth. I’m also reminded of the profound importance (in my experience) of recognizing and then naming any condition we find ourselves in. That moment of sobbing in the grass was both a beginning and an ending from my point of view. How brave you were/are to fall completely into it. Xo Jane
Thank you, Jane! I love what you said about recognizing/naming conditions. I'm working on acknowledging and sitting with the emotions we often label as "negative" (anger, sadness, etc) and leaning into what they are trying to tell me.
As a woman in her late twenties (single, no kids, on the fence), reading about the life experiences of women older than me is so informative and eye opening. Never stop writing!! Thank you x
I’m speaking generally about your work, but whenever I see that you’ve published a new essay, I make the time to read it—even if it’s at 3:00 a.m. while I’m up with the baby. Your essays have given me language for experiences I couldn’t previously articulate—especially around managing your husband's emotions, isolation, and how motherhood exposes what can no longer be carried. I’m a newly single mom to a nine-month-old and a three-year-old, navigating this with very little support, and reading your work has helped me understand not just what I’m experiencing, but why. That clarity has been grounding in the midst of surviving minute by minute. It’s also helped me see the broader systems and gaps that so many mothers fall into—and that understanding is part of what’s led me to start building a small nonprofit focused on helping moms with young kids who don't have a village. Thank you for writing this. Your work truly matters.
This is perhaps one of the most meaningful comments I've ever received. Thank you, Ivy! 🙏 While I've written a bit about how single motherhood can be easier in some ways, you are really in the thick of things, and I can only imagine how exhausting it must be at times (or all the time...). I'm incredibly impressed that you're finding energy to build a nonprofit, and what a worthy and important mission! Please keep me posted on your progress, I'd love to support in whatever small way I can.
Thanks Kerala, it feels good just to be seen. I have actually already realized some of the ways that single motherhood is easier, in spite of the terrible timing! So I'm sure it will get easier/ better. I'm so grateful for your encouragement and generosity, and I will keep you posted as things take shape 😊
Nothing normal about the way we live — you nailed it! That's true of so many aspects of our lives, including our distance from nature. I don't know how we get back to what's actually normal for humans, especially more community and connection to others. It's challenging with the way our culture and our cities are set up.
It can indeed be hard to challenge normal when you're operating within the constraints of our various systems. And I'm also aware that my ability to challenge normal in the ways that I can is facilitated by my position of relative privilege. So much harder if most of your energy is consumed by getting basic needs met.
This piece is SO goddamn, fucking brilliant, Kerala. Absolutely brilliant.
And this here, “Normal didn’t break me all at once. It chipped away at me. Drip drip drip. It was carving me right out of my life” is a “chef’s kiss” masterpiece of prose. 🙇🏻♀️ 🙇🏻♀️ 🙇🏻♀️
I’ve been a mother for 22 years now, and what struck me most is how accurately you name the slow erosion. Not burnout as a dramatic collapse, but as attrition. Drip by drip.
What looks like “normal” from the outside often feels like disappearing from the inside, especially over decades. The checklists change, the children age, the systems shift, but the expectation that mothers will absorb the excess without consequence somehow remains intact.
Reading this, I kept thinking about how many women I know who didn’t fall apart. They simply learned how to live smaller inside their own lives. You articulated something so many of us have lived without language for. Thank you for giving it words.
So beautifully put! "Disappearing from the inside" and learning "how to live smaller inside their own lives." I can relate to that 100%.
Another wonderful, thought provoking essay. I applaud you for being so real, talking truth. I’m also reminded of the profound importance (in my experience) of recognizing and then naming any condition we find ourselves in. That moment of sobbing in the grass was both a beginning and an ending from my point of view. How brave you were/are to fall completely into it. Xo Jane
Thank you, Jane! I love what you said about recognizing/naming conditions. I'm working on acknowledging and sitting with the emotions we often label as "negative" (anger, sadness, etc) and leaning into what they are trying to tell me.
As a woman in her late twenties (single, no kids, on the fence), reading about the life experiences of women older than me is so informative and eye opening. Never stop writing!! Thank you x
I love labeling things because it helps my majorly neurodivergent family succeed.
But I, too, am redefining the baseline of what my “jobs” as a wife and mother are. And what my “job” as myself is.
Excellent essay.
No shade to labelers! I often find labels very helpful :) I'm so glad to hear you're on a similar journey. It is such an important one.
I’m speaking generally about your work, but whenever I see that you’ve published a new essay, I make the time to read it—even if it’s at 3:00 a.m. while I’m up with the baby. Your essays have given me language for experiences I couldn’t previously articulate—especially around managing your husband's emotions, isolation, and how motherhood exposes what can no longer be carried. I’m a newly single mom to a nine-month-old and a three-year-old, navigating this with very little support, and reading your work has helped me understand not just what I’m experiencing, but why. That clarity has been grounding in the midst of surviving minute by minute. It’s also helped me see the broader systems and gaps that so many mothers fall into—and that understanding is part of what’s led me to start building a small nonprofit focused on helping moms with young kids who don't have a village. Thank you for writing this. Your work truly matters.
This is perhaps one of the most meaningful comments I've ever received. Thank you, Ivy! 🙏 While I've written a bit about how single motherhood can be easier in some ways, you are really in the thick of things, and I can only imagine how exhausting it must be at times (or all the time...). I'm incredibly impressed that you're finding energy to build a nonprofit, and what a worthy and important mission! Please keep me posted on your progress, I'd love to support in whatever small way I can.
Thanks Kerala, it feels good just to be seen. I have actually already realized some of the ways that single motherhood is easier, in spite of the terrible timing! So I'm sure it will get easier/ better. I'm so grateful for your encouragement and generosity, and I will keep you posted as things take shape 😊
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Nothing normal about the way we live — you nailed it! That's true of so many aspects of our lives, including our distance from nature. I don't know how we get back to what's actually normal for humans, especially more community and connection to others. It's challenging with the way our culture and our cities are set up.
It can indeed be hard to challenge normal when you're operating within the constraints of our various systems. And I'm also aware that my ability to challenge normal in the ways that I can is facilitated by my position of relative privilege. So much harder if most of your energy is consumed by getting basic needs met.
For sure! I feel like I have more of a responsibility to challenge normal because of my own position of relative privilege.
This piece is SO goddamn, fucking brilliant, Kerala. Absolutely brilliant.
And this here, “Normal didn’t break me all at once. It chipped away at me. Drip drip drip. It was carving me right out of my life” is a “chef’s kiss” masterpiece of prose. 🙇🏻♀️ 🙇🏻♀️ 🙇🏻♀️
This one is it.
Amazing. Yes yes yes.
BOOM 💥 🎤 Awesome article, thank you!