This was such a beautiful read. And congratulations on your divorce. I’m proud of you for taking that step. I could feel the serenity you wrote about as you talked about how you currently feel. Thank you for writing this.
Your text just left me amazed, it's like finally having an answer to why my mom stayed in a failed marriage for so long. She wanted to save my father, from trauma, drinking, mental illness, she was so motivated in all her projects, even the doomed ones.
(My father was also too handsome to ignore I'm afraid)
She died 17 years ago, 2 years after leaving my father. I just wished she had more time to be free, but at least for a moment she was free.
I feel like I could've written this (except I would've used much more profanity and exposed many more examples of my ex-husbands antics). I'm happy for you, and I'm so thankful you are sharing so honestly. I, too, held a lot of judgment for others getting divorced that I have since had to repent for thinking.
You have expressed the complexities of marriage so well! So many years of emotional labor is draining. We all are ultimately responsible for our selves. This role of “helper “ for women has got to shift into a more balanced approach. You got this! I’m excited for you and congratulations!
"Men do; women help." Ugh — so, so true. I so appreciate everything you write, but I'm sorry a lot of it comes out of an untenable situation. Congratulations on making the move toward improving your life, as hard as it is to do that. Leaving my first husband was the hardest thing I ever did, but it did lead to better things. I wish the same for you!
Thank you so much for your words. I have been finding myself glued to all the stories of escape from the men in our lives and my obsession grows. I just reached my one year of moving me and my children away and being on my own after 7 years with an abusive man. The grief and relief have been a teeter totter of emotions.
This piece is powerful and beautiful. Thanks for sharing your experience. I was particularly moved by your candid admittance that there is a lot of paradox / a lot of both/and in divorcing. In leaving.
It’s so hard. And (for some) the simple and only answer.
Also, the inertia. Ooof. So on point. How to get off the ride. That’s a tough one.
Thanks for sharing your story. There was so much that sounded familiar. In my marriage, I wasn't even "doing" as your husband was. She was doing her share of the "helping," perhaps hoping I'd figure out how to do my share. I didn't. That why she was finally willing to show me the door.
That was what it took to get me to step back and take a look at the situation. This isn't fair for women like my wife or you, even today. Even after making the changes I needed to do to begin to do the work on the marriage and learn to be a better partner. It never should have come to her asking me to leave.
Part of the process of introspection for me was to address my sexual behavior early in our relationship. I had to address the fact that I'd date raped her. When I saw that our relationship began with me taking what I needed from her, I was able to recognize a pattern of behavior in me. I'd take. She'd give reluctantly and eventually cry, and I'd apologize. Over and over. Her brave move to kick me out was what made the difference. It doesn't always make the difference, but it did for us.
Thank you for sharing your story. I also share mine on Substack as well because confessing to sexual assault is a process more men need to do. It made all the difference for me as a spouse, a man, and a person.
Incredibly well written, thank you Kerala. In my religion women do not make casseroles like at all, but they do ask for upgrades (for someone better). Sometimes it might be the man who wants someone better, or more aligned with his values. I hope you find someone better and more compatible. The idea of inertia is fascinating.
This was such a beautiful read. And congratulations on your divorce. I’m proud of you for taking that step. I could feel the serenity you wrote about as you talked about how you currently feel. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you so much, Ashleigh. It can be difficult to write about things while I'm in the thick of them, but it definitely helps me process!
Your text just left me amazed, it's like finally having an answer to why my mom stayed in a failed marriage for so long. She wanted to save my father, from trauma, drinking, mental illness, she was so motivated in all her projects, even the doomed ones.
(My father was also too handsome to ignore I'm afraid)
She died 17 years ago, 2 years after leaving my father. I just wished she had more time to be free, but at least for a moment she was free.
I feel like I could've written this (except I would've used much more profanity and exposed many more examples of my ex-husbands antics). I'm happy for you, and I'm so thankful you are sharing so honestly. I, too, held a lot of judgment for others getting divorced that I have since had to repent for thinking.
Oh, my first draft was much angrier! Thank you Camilla, it always helps to know that others can relate.
You have expressed the complexities of marriage so well! So many years of emotional labor is draining. We all are ultimately responsible for our selves. This role of “helper “ for women has got to shift into a more balanced approach. You got this! I’m excited for you and congratulations!
Thank you Shelley! And yes, helping is wonderful but as you say, it requires a balanced approach.
"Men do; women help." Ugh — so, so true. I so appreciate everything you write, but I'm sorry a lot of it comes out of an untenable situation. Congratulations on making the move toward improving your life, as hard as it is to do that. Leaving my first husband was the hardest thing I ever did, but it did lead to better things. I wish the same for you!
Marriage is a melting pot of complexities. Sometimes, I feel I am just beginning to understand this. What a brave and inspiring essay, Kerala.
Thank you so much for your words. I have been finding myself glued to all the stories of escape from the men in our lives and my obsession grows. I just reached my one year of moving me and my children away and being on my own after 7 years with an abusive man. The grief and relief have been a teeter totter of emotions.
This piece is powerful and beautiful. Thanks for sharing your experience. I was particularly moved by your candid admittance that there is a lot of paradox / a lot of both/and in divorcing. In leaving.
It’s so hard. And (for some) the simple and only answer.
Also, the inertia. Ooof. So on point. How to get off the ride. That’s a tough one.
Thanks for sharing your story. There was so much that sounded familiar. In my marriage, I wasn't even "doing" as your husband was. She was doing her share of the "helping," perhaps hoping I'd figure out how to do my share. I didn't. That why she was finally willing to show me the door.
That was what it took to get me to step back and take a look at the situation. This isn't fair for women like my wife or you, even today. Even after making the changes I needed to do to begin to do the work on the marriage and learn to be a better partner. It never should have come to her asking me to leave.
Part of the process of introspection for me was to address my sexual behavior early in our relationship. I had to address the fact that I'd date raped her. When I saw that our relationship began with me taking what I needed from her, I was able to recognize a pattern of behavior in me. I'd take. She'd give reluctantly and eventually cry, and I'd apologize. Over and over. Her brave move to kick me out was what made the difference. It doesn't always make the difference, but it did for us.
Thank you for sharing your story. I also share mine on Substack as well because confessing to sexual assault is a process more men need to do. It made all the difference for me as a spouse, a man, and a person.
Incredibly well written, thank you Kerala. In my religion women do not make casseroles like at all, but they do ask for upgrades (for someone better). Sometimes it might be the man who wants someone better, or more aligned with his values. I hope you find someone better and more compatible. The idea of inertia is fascinating.
I love the idea of an "upgrade!" Or, as you say, someone more aligned with our values.
Yes, this is my story too. It seems to happen a lot to otherwise intelligent women.
Holy smokes, this is so good.
Beautiful, powerful read, surely reflective of the writer herself:).
Inertia describes it well.
So many similarities here
Xo
A great essay. Thanks.